Showing posts tagged secret.

the truth.

I have a confession to make.

almost two weeks ago, I took an overdose and tried to kill myself.

I am just so done with feeling like absolute shit all the fucking time. I have an amazing boyfriend and best friend, but sadly I just don’t feel like that is enough.

I’ve been seeing the mental health advisor at my university, and she thinks I suffer from anxiety, depression, distress intolerance, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I just… I am so fucking done.

I have been treated like shit since I was eight years old, and all these years in between have ruined me. all those people took everything away from me. my personality, my happiness… they destroyed me, and they’ll never know.

the person who’s left the biggest impression on my life is my ex-boyfriend. I put him on a pedestal and worshipped him almost. in return, he ignored me, called me names when I honestly opened up and told him about my feelings and my fears. forget the people who’ve bullied me for years, just forget them. the person I trusted enough with my virginity, my heart, and my soul, called me stupid after I told him I self harm. he ignored me when I tried to talk to him about how truly miserable I was. he ignored me when I didn’t deserve it, but made it feel like it was my fault. he turned my friends against me, making them think I was annoying when I tried to turn to them for comfort after he’d either completely ignored me, or treated me like shit.

let’s also not forget that one time when he was drunk and I told him no and he tried to tear my clothes off me.

he’s not a bad person, but he was the worst person for me. I have finally come to the realisation that instead of helping me, he made me so much worse. still though, I don’t regret our relationship. I probably should. he made me feel so utterly unworthy sometimes. but there were the occasional good times. but not enough. not nearly enough.

I hate him. but at the same time I love him. the kind of love you have for a first boyfriend which just never leaves you.

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#confession  #suicide  #overdose  #boyfriend  #ex  #ex boyfriend  #love  #depression  #anxiety  #distress intolerance  #post-traumatic stress disorder  #secret  #hurt  #sad  #upset  #me  #personal 

I am really worried about how people see me.

pathetic, I know. but there’s another reason I’ve kept quiet about so many things - I can’t handle other people’s judgement. I’m not strong enough for it.

I don’t want to be accused of being attention-seeking. I have before, and it’s the worst insult I’ve ever received. 

how can you expect me to tell you things about myself, and things that trouble me, if you’re going to then turn around and call my solution to these problems attention-seeking?

I wish that I lived in a perfect world where I could tell my closest friends and my boyfriend exactly what’s on my mind, and what I’m going through without a) fearing rejection, b) being accused of being over-dramatic, c) being annoying and attention-seeking, and d) judgement.

but we don’t live in a perfect world, so I have to just… bite my tongue and smile through the pain. I can do that. I’ve had years of practice.

— 2 years ago
#secret  #confession  #boyfriend  #friends  #trust  #image 

I have spent so much time thinking about suicide over the past few years.

sometimes I feel it’s the only way out. the only way for my life to go. as if there is absolutely no possibility of me ever surviving, existing any longer.

sometimes (and I am ashamed to admit this) it just seems like an easy escape. I disgust even myself when I think like this. don’t even want to write about this in any more detail.

sometimes it’s a comfort, knowing that ultimately, I can make the decisions in my life. this is the most important decision I will ever make - whether I one day do it or not. but the fact that I have the ability to choose means that I can worry less about the future. it’s a real comfort, sometimes, knowing that I am still in control.

this is a shorter entry than most of my others because… well, it’s a grim topic, and even if this blog was dedicated entirely to this confession, I would still never, ever be able to communicate my feelings and reasonings into something comprehensible for others to read. 

— 2 years ago
#suicide  #death  #secret  #confession 

after spending so much time in the company of myself only, I’ve started to question how many friends I have.

am I actually close to anyone? I haven’t really talked to my best friend in 3-4 months (which now that I think about it is such a long time, how did that even happen?!), and my friends from school.. well many of them I haven’t seen in 2 months, and haven’t really spoken to at all recently.

so my question is, how many friends do I really have? should I maybe just not even try to get back in touch, because chances are that they’re much better off without me.

I really think so, y’know. I’m an incredibly clingy person, but if I get attached again right now, it’s just going to hurt so much more when I leave.

speaking of leaving… just thinking about it makes me burst into tears. not just because singapore has been like a second home to me, but because there are so many people I will never see again. people who have been a part of my life for years will suddenly be people that I knew in the past. I’ll lose so many friends.

I wish things never changed.

(excuse how all over the place this entry is - swallowed a few too many panadols when trying to lessen my headache. oops.)

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#friends  #friendship  #secret  #confession  #hurt  #leaving  #singapore 

I am hurting so much.

not physically, but emotionally. every day is like a battle, a struggle for survival. I never knew one person could be so unhappy, so utterly miserable with a life in which she has all the things she could ever want and more. but I don’t have anyone to go to with my problems. my friends have told me they’re here for me, but there have been times when I’ve tried to tentatively reach out for help, and they respond either by a) telling me to get over it, that we’re all suffering or b) telling other people that I’m being whiny. also, I don’t want to be annoying, and bother other people with my shit…

I suffer from extreme moodswings, which are so intense that I sometimes wonder if I have an undiagnosed mental health issue. once my friends were joking around, and said (quite spitefully, I must have upset them that day…) that I probably had undiagnosed schizophrenia. now, I know I’m not actually schizophrenic, but I do believe there is something wrong with me.

I’ve always wanted to see a therapist or a psychiatrist with my problems, just tell them all my issues and my secrets, and hope that they have some answers for me. I’ve come close, once or twice, but I’ve never been able to tell any of the therapists I see. I’m too afraid, sometimes. other times, it’s like my body just won’t allow me to speak the truth. I go into all my sessions with nothing but lies (oh yes, my week’s been very good. oh, I’ve lost some weight? I hadn’t noticed, it’s probably just due to stress. I’m happy) and leaving feeling weak and pathetic.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to feel like this any more.

— 2 years ago
#secret  #confession  #hurting  #undiagnosed  #moodswings  #mental health  #therapy  #failure 

I used to self harm.

pretty badly, too. sometimes I would faint due to the amount of blood I was losing. I have the scars now, which prevent me from wearing shorts or skirts or bikinis. not that I’m really ashamed of them, but they’re so incredibly personal that I don’t want others to ever see them. 

I started cutting really deep in  year 9, when I was about 14 years old. this continued until the end of year 11, by which time I was 16. I never intended to stop, because it had become a daily routine, and it calmed me in ways that nothing else could. but even though it felt amazing, it also made me feel like a failure. so I decided to stop.

I thought that it would be easy to stop, but it really is an addiction. I relapsed so many times, making me feel even worse, and not helping in the slightest. it was a difficult time for me, because when I was stressed or when I felt hurt, I could no longer turn to the one thing which I knew would soothe me.

nevertheless, I struggled to keep my own promise and ‘get clean’. and in the end it worked. and I was clean for almost two whole years.

until three months ago. three months ago, when I was sat in my room, staring at the wall for almost an hour, and suddenly burst into tears. because I wanted to die. I wanted to die. the realisation knocked the breath out of me, quite literally. I had thought I was so much happier - things appeared to be going my way, finally. how could I have wanted to die, when life was suddenly so much better?

to this day, I still don’t know. but on that day, everything changed. I started closing down and distancing myself from everyone. I wanted to be alone almost as much as I wanted to be around people. it was so incredibly confusing. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, because really, who would I tell, and what would I even tell them?! that I wanted to die? no, not likely. 

and it was probably the worst timing as well. my exams were nearing. everything went downhill. my concentration, my morale, my relationships with pretty much everyone. I was miserable. I let myself down in the exams because I just thought, what’s the point anymore?! I don’t want to live. the most important exams of my life, and I turned my back on them. 

I started self harming again. however, I’d thrown all my blades out, so I had to think of other ways. I started hitting myself - punching my ribs, hipbones, legs and arms. I was covered in bruises, but wore enough clothing so that no one would see. I started scratching my legs with my nails, until they were raw and bleeding. I was biting my lips, the insides of my cheeks and also my fingers until they, too, were covered in blood.

but it wasn’t enough.

last thursday I bought a proper blade…

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#self harm  #cutting  #hitting  #secret  #confession  #scars  #relapse 

I am terrified of eating. on a good day I consume ~400 calories… on bad days, 0-150 calories. 

I’m not confident enough to post my weight on here right at this moment, but in the last week I have lost 3kg. it may seem like a lot, but it really isn’t. I can barely see the difference and I hate it. 

usually I judge my weight loss by how my clothes fit me. my previously skinny jeans (which were new a month ago) are now so baggy and loose I can’t wear them without a belt, or they’ll fall down in public. which is embarrassing… also, I can tell how much I’ve lost by the visibility of my collarbones, hipbones and ribs. currently my hipbones are so prominent they get bruised really easily - even if I’m just lying on my stomach in bed, I’ll wake up with bruises. I can count my ribs through my shirt.

but it’s never enough. I still feel fat and disgusting. my thighs are too big, my stomach isn’t flat enough, my arms… just ugh. even my face is too chubby. 

if I lose enough  weight, then maybe there’s a small chance I could be attractive. I’ve never been popular, and I’ve received more insulting comments about my appearance than compliments. so. which should I believe? the majority, of course. but hopefully, if I lose enough… maybe there’s still some hope for me? I don’t want to be disgusting and revolting and hideous for the rest of my life.

no one has ever seen me naked, or at least not properly. not even my boyfriend. I refused to remove any pieces of clothing if the lights were not dimmed enough so that he could barely see me. and this is someone I trusted enough to take my virginity…

will I ever be comfortable with my body around anyone?! I don’t think so…

— 2 years ago
#secret  #confession  #weight loss  #anorexia  #calories  #sex  #insecurity  #fat 

betray me, and I’ll never forgive you.

as I’ve already mentioned previously, I don’t trust easily. because I don’t trust easily, I find it almost impossible to forgive people. if I tell you something, something which you know is very important to me, and that I don’t want others to know about.. why on earth would you tell someone else?! what reason could you possibly have to hurt me like that?! and how could you expect me to be fine with it?!

you don’t get to decide if I’m overreacting or not. you do not get to bitch about my reaction to other people. the amount of times that people have broken my trust, and turned around and been like why does it even matter, get over it already is phenomenal. to the point where I’m actually baffled as to how people like this exist, and how I even thought I could trust them in the first place.

I’ve been hurt too many times by trusting too openly. I’ve learned the hard way, that people will disappoint you, no matter how prepared you may think you are. 

if the most private things I’ve exposed, or will expose in the future on this blog… if I find out that the few people I’ve trusted with my deepest, darkest secrets have told others… I don’t even know what I’ll do. I can’t imagine that any of them would do that to me - but I’ve been wrong before.

— 2 years ago
#trust  #betrayal  #secret  #confession 

I don’t handle loss very well. but in all honesty, who does?!

over the summer I lost my grandmother, my mother’s uncle and a little boy I used to see regularly when he lived in singapore.

my grandmother… writing this is difficult, because my vision is blurry. but I shall try my best. my grandmother was a lovely person. truly. warm and kindhearted. she was incredibly tall and she worked as a nurse. I still remember staying over at my grandparents’ house when I was six and waking up really early to have breakfast with her before she went to work, as she sat there in her pink scrubs. I was her first grandchild, and so naturally I was incredibly close to her. furthermore, she had only ever had sons, so a little baby girl.. well, she was so incredibly excited to have me in her life. around the time when my second brother was born, she was diagnosed with cancer. even though I knew she was sick, she never showed it. she was still energetic, and put our happiness first in everything she did. then, when I was 16 she no longer only had breast cancer, but bone cancer as well. I was crushed. I was old enough to know what this meant, and the thought of losing her destroyed me. I couldn’t imagine ever not having her in my life. last summer she passed away.

the first few months after her death were awful. utterly and completely. I didn’t know how to exist in a world in which my grandmother was no longer living. it became easier over time, and I was able to think of her without bursting into tears, and I could talk about her without my throat closing painfully. but there are still some moments that will always reduce me to tears. she will never meet my boyfriend (she often talked about how I’d been single for far too long). she will never meet my future husband. she will never meet my children. she will never see me graduate. 

I will never see her again.

two weeks after my grandmother’s funeral, my mother’s uncle passed away. this time, what got me the most was the shock of it. it was completely unexpected. and so close to my grandmother’s passing… I wasn’t in a good place. I was also really close with this man. when I was younger, he would take me to see the goats on my great grandmother’s farm. he was always energetic and optimistic, and he never forgot me, even though I only got to see him once a year.

lastly… this little boy, only 13, died of skin cancer. he was norwegian/british, went to my school and lived really close to my family in singapore. he had two brothers, both my brothers’ ages, and so naturally they all became great friends and I saw their family often. he was only 13. my school planted a tree to remember him. it’s still painful to walk by it.

this year, a boy in my year committed suicide. I wasn’t close to him at all, had barely had a few conversations with him. but I felt that loss. it was surreal. I have never known someone who has committed suicide before. and I felt that I could relate, because even though I’m still here, I have had several suicidal moments and thoughts.

it’s all too much

— 2 years ago
#death  #suicide  #loss  #coping  #dealing  #cancer  #secret  #confession 

anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

I am incredibly nervous, shy and anxious 95% of the time. that’s not exaggerating in the slightest.

before, many years ago, it was mostly to do with meeting new people, and living up to expectations in my academic studies. but in recent years it’s evolved into something more concrete and more consuming, to the point where I can’t do a single thing without weighing pros and cons.

to the point where it’s become crippling. I put so much effort into my daily appearance - I lose sleep because of it - because I can’t leave the house without looking semi-decent. I still worry about school things, and the guilt of not having done my homework will make it impossible for me to sleep. impossible. because my heartbeat picks up and I feel and hear it throughout my entire body, and then nothing can be done to calm me down enough to sleep. 

even the most stupid things make me worry. silly friendship problems, what everyone else thinks of me. now, I know many people feel like this, and that it’s perfectly natural. but it’s escalated into something that won’t leave me alone. like a nagging voice in the back of my mind. oh you want to wear that shirt? but it makes you look fat… oh, you’re going to finish this paragraph in the morning? nope… you want to go out and do something? your friends didn’t invite you to join them…

they’re laughing at you. they’re talking about you. yes they can see how big your ass is. yes they can see how your thighs jiggle when you walk.

you think they care? oh how sweet and innocent of you.

— 2 years ago
#anxiety  #friends  #life  #nervous  #shy  #secret  #confession