I have spent so much time thinking about suicide over the past few years.
sometimes I feel it’s the only way out. the only way for my life to go. as if there is absolutely no possibility of me ever surviving, existing any longer.
sometimes (and I am ashamed to admit this) it just seems like an easy escape. I disgust even myself when I think like this. don’t even want to write about this in any more detail.
sometimes it’s a comfort, knowing that ultimately, I can make the decisions in my life. this is the most important decision I will ever make - whether I one day do it or not. but the fact that I have the ability to choose means that I can worry less about the future. it’s a real comfort, sometimes, knowing that I am still in control.
this is a shorter entry than most of my others because… well, it’s a grim topic, and even if this blog was dedicated entirely to this confession, I would still never, ever be able to communicate my feelings and reasonings into something comprehensible for others to read.