I have a confession to make.
almost two weeks ago, I took an overdose and tried to kill myself.
I am just so done with feeling like absolute shit all the fucking time. I have an amazing boyfriend and best friend, but sadly I just don’t feel like that is enough.
I’ve been seeing the mental health advisor at my university, and she thinks I suffer from anxiety, depression, distress intolerance, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I just… I am so fucking done.
I have been treated like shit since I was eight years old, and all these years in between have ruined me. all those people took everything away from me. my personality, my happiness… they destroyed me, and they’ll never know.
the person who’s left the biggest impression on my life is my ex-boyfriend. I put him on a pedestal and worshipped him almost. in return, he ignored me, called me names when I honestly opened up and told him about my feelings and my fears. forget the people who’ve bullied me for years, just forget them. the person I trusted enough with my virginity, my heart, and my soul, called me stupid after I told him I self harm. he ignored me when I tried to talk to him about how truly miserable I was. he ignored me when I didn’t deserve it, but made it feel like it was my fault. he turned my friends against me, making them think I was annoying when I tried to turn to them for comfort after he’d either completely ignored me, or treated me like shit.
let’s also not forget that one time when he was drunk and I told him no and he tried to tear my clothes off me.
he’s not a bad person, but he was the worst person for me. I have finally come to the realisation that instead of helping me, he made me so much worse. still though, I don’t regret our relationship. I probably should. he made me feel so utterly unworthy sometimes. but there were the occasional good times. but not enough. not nearly enough.
I hate him. but at the same time I love him. the kind of love you have for a first boyfriend which just never leaves you.