the truth.

I have a confession to make.

almost two weeks ago, I took an overdose and tried to kill myself.

I am just so done with feeling like absolute shit all the fucking time. I have an amazing boyfriend and best friend, but sadly I just don’t feel like that is enough.

I’ve been seeing the mental health advisor at my university, and she thinks I suffer from anxiety, depression, distress intolerance, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I just… I am so fucking done.

I have been treated like shit since I was eight years old, and all these years in between have ruined me. all those people took everything away from me. my personality, my happiness… they destroyed me, and they’ll never know.

the person who’s left the biggest impression on my life is my ex-boyfriend. I put him on a pedestal and worshipped him almost. in return, he ignored me, called me names when I honestly opened up and told him about my feelings and my fears. forget the people who’ve bullied me for years, just forget them. the person I trusted enough with my virginity, my heart, and my soul, called me stupid after I told him I self harm. he ignored me when I tried to talk to him about how truly miserable I was. he ignored me when I didn’t deserve it, but made it feel like it was my fault. he turned my friends against me, making them think I was annoying when I tried to turn to them for comfort after he’d either completely ignored me, or treated me like shit.

let’s also not forget that one time when he was drunk and I told him no and he tried to tear my clothes off me.

he’s not a bad person, but he was the worst person for me. I have finally come to the realisation that instead of helping me, he made me so much worse. still though, I don’t regret our relationship. I probably should. he made me feel so utterly unworthy sometimes. but there were the occasional good times. but not enough. not nearly enough.

I hate him. but at the same time I love him. the kind of love you have for a first boyfriend which just never leaves you.

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#confession  #suicide  #overdose  #boyfriend  #ex  #ex boyfriend  #love  #depression  #anxiety  #distress intolerance  #post-traumatic stress disorder  #secret  #hurt  #sad  #upset  #me  #personal 

I have never felt so betrayed in all my life

— 1 year ago

I want to die

— 1 year ago
#me  #personal  #confession 

you tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you do. how could someone like you love someone like me? I’m twisted and ugly and fat and worthless, and you’re anything but. it’s impossible. how can we exist together? how can I be sure you won’t some day realise that I’m not good enough for you and leave me?

— 1 year ago
after having a shit day, my locked screen cheers me up big time!!

after having a shit day, my locked screen cheers me up big time!!

— 1 year ago

why am I never good enough for you? why do you insist on telling me this all the time. it hurts. it hurts more and more every time you say it. I’m sorry you think I’m worthless, that what I’m doing with my life is worthless, and that the person I’m going to become can never amount to anything good. I don’t know what more you want from me. I did well in school - I did amazingly in school actually. I never got into trouble. I’m studying at a good university and I’m finally happy. you know why I think I’m so happy? a large part of it is because I don’t have to spend all my time with you. I don’t have to listen to you complain about how I never turned out the way you wanted me to. I’m sorry, but I’m not sorry enough to change. 

I can never forgive you for all the things you’ve said to me. all the self-loathing you’ve inspired within me. I have people who actually care about me in the world; I don’t need you.

you know what’s worse though? you make me want to die. you make me feel so horrendously awful that I wish I was never born. if only I had the courage to tell you that. I also want to hurt you. hurt you more than you’ve hurt me, although I don’t think that’s even possible. 

I just wish I was never born

— 1 year ago with 1 note
#me  #personal  #rant 

I wish happiness was enough. I always thought it would be. turns out I was wrong.

— 1 year ago